This is one of my closest friends' testimony of God's immense, transforming power in her life over the last few years - formed from diary entries from 2011 contrasted with the joy and peace she now finds in Jesus. God really has worked wonders in her life, and she now offers hope and joy to others in the same situation.
Start of 2011 – Start of 2015
It feels like a huge weight is on your heart, every time you breathe in deeply, it presses harder. It's not something you can get rid of, no matter how hard you try, because, you physically can't do anything. You just want to, be. Be on your own, leave the world completely behind you, escape from the madness, everything, everyone...
Joy - a joy like no other - the amount of times I now get an overwhelming feeling of happiness that I just want to share with everyone! Gratitude – my heart could burst with gratitude – I feel so blessed, with how God has been working in my life, and with the amount of truly amazing people He’s surrounded me with – I’m so lucky! Peace – the peace I’ve found in God I can’t remember truly having before, even in times when I feel as though everything is out of my control and chaotic, underneath my worry and pain, I can still find some of that peace.
I don't like to share how I feel, I feel attention seeking, and quite frankly, what is anyone going to do? It's hard to find the effort to talk to anyone who wants to help, mainly because they can't help me feel better. It's something I have to deal with on my own.
I don’t have to deal with ANYTHING alone, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’ (Philippians 4:13). Jesus is there with me, through all things, he doesn’t want me to deal with things on my own, but instead he wants to help me. God has blessed me with such amazing people in my life, who I know I can call on if I need to talk or need prayer, and in some ways, I’ve become so much more open and honest, with myself, and others on how I actually feel – it’s great!
I’ve started to self harm, it made sense. It helps the feeling go away, it relieves me from everything. I find the stinging afterwards comforting. When I look at the cuts days after, it’s comforting. I don't know why, but it reassures me, of something, I just don't know what...
I am self harm free – about 40 weeks! PRAISE THE LORD. If I feel down, I don’t resort to hurting myself, I turn to God. I don’t have self harm consuming my thoughts every day anymore. I no longer get the urge to cut every time I drink. I don’t have that constant battle. The temptation has only shown up once or twice, but I didn’t give in – I know I’m done with that part of my life. I no longer feel trapped in something I can’t get out of. I couldn’t imagine life without self harm, but now I can’t imagine ever letting it control my life again!
I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go out. I care too much about the little things, they play on my mind, and, I KNOW I shouldn't think about them this much, but I can't help it...
I love getting out of the house (especially when it means going into London!) I love seeing my friends. I don’t want to hide from the world. I still tend to dwell on the small things, but not nearly as much as I used to! I try to place my worries into God’s hands, whatever the situation, God knows what’s best and what will be, will be.
I would quite happily switch my life, with a person who is terminally ill or something, and I know it's a horrid thing to wish on myself, but it's true. Give my life to someone who will truly appreciate it, someone who will do much better things with it, will make something of themselves from it, and live a happy life. I can't wait for the end of my life, it's so terrible to say, but I can't cope with everything right now.
I firmly believe, more than ever, that God has a plan for my life, even when I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, I know I’ll end up where God wants me. All anxiety from not knowing what I’ll do in life is completely gone. I’m so excited for life and for what God has in store for me! I feel as though I have a rough idea of where He’s leading me – I have no idea HOW I’ll get there, but I know God’s got a way. This year, I’m making the decision to step out – step out of my comfort zone and do things I would normally shy away from, get out of the boat and trust that God’s got me – He won’t let me drown. I’m happy to be alive and living my life – I wouldn’t swap it with anyone!