You're Beautiful: A letter from men

I ran a workshop recently for teenage girls exploring the beauty of God’s design in creating men and women differently, and how we can be a gift to each other. I wanted them to know that authentic masculinity is not the same as the immature boys who humiliate and objectify them, and to lead them to a place where they were able to see (and desired to treat) the men around them as their brothers in Christ.

As I prayed about it, I remembered the LifeTeen post several months ago in which Catholic guys explained what they really found beautiful in women. This post reassured me not only that I am beautiful because that’s how I was created, but also that there are men who see that. There are men who are looking at my heart rather than my figure, who seek God and holiness above all else and who are passionate about upholding my dignity, and that those are the kind of men who deserve my heart. 

I so wanted the girls I met in ministry to come to the same revelation, so I decided to recreate the concept from the point of view of people I know and can vouch for. I asked some of the very best men I know to complete the sentence: ‘You’re beautiful when…’  

The result blew me away. Brothers, I am so incredibly blessed to know you! Thank you for restoring my hope.

Sisters, as you read each line, allow the truth that YOU are beautiful to sink deeper and deeper in your heart.

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You’re beautiful when you find a reason to smile in even the smallest things.

You’re beautiful when you show those close to you how much you love them.

You’re beautiful when you treat everyone with compassion and respect, and always have time to do something that will make someone’s day.

You’re beautiful when you build people up.

You’re beautiful when you share what you truly find rewarding.

You’re beautiful when you prefer to spend more time with Jesus than anything else, even more than with me!

You’re beautiful when you don't conform to what the world has to offer.

You’re beautiful when you choose the way of God and not the way of the world.

You’re beautiful when I see the way you love Jesus and it makes me want to love Him more!

You're beautiful when you accept a compliment gracefully.

You’re beautiful when you accept and are aware of the truth and power of your beauty.

You’re beautiful when you put all your trust in Jesus.

You’re beautiful when you desire to be the best you can be.

You’re beautiful when you recognise your dignity.

You’re beautiful when you detach yourself from what the world wants you to be and you realise the beauty of who you truly already are.

You’re beautiful when you love the person God made you to be, and don’t want to be someone else.

You’re beautiful when you worship God freely.

You’re beautiful when you are brave in your honesty.

You're beautiful when you look at me right in the eye, not because you're trying to seduce me, but because you are genuinely interested in what I have to say.

You’re beautiful when you challenge and call the best out of the men around you.

You’re beautiful when you smile and laugh in the face of trials and difficulties.

You’re beautiful when you step out in faith and trust despite not knowing the outcome.

You’re beautiful when the world can see Christ in you.

You’re beautiful when you believe, even just for one second, that you are a work of art.

You’re beautiful because you’re made in the image and likeness of Beauty itself.

You don't know!! YOU DONT KNOW YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!

But you are beautiful… always… end of!

You’re already beautiful, and you’re already precious. Don’t change that!

You’re beautiful because it doesn’t matter what I think, only what the Creator thinks.

Teaching my future daughter to love herself

    If I’m ever blessed with a daughter, I never want anything I say or do to cause her to worry about her body. I don’t want her to catch a discontented glance in the mirror, a thoughtless comment about what was wrong with what I just ate, or a criticism of the way God created me, and watch silently as she subconsciously takes it all in. It’s for that reason that I’m so determined to fight against the world’s distortions of beauty, and even more so against the lies in my own mind about the body God crafted for me!

    I despise the attitude women are taught to have about themselves, and yet I still find it too easy to be dragged into it.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14

    I read this and wonder just how well my soul really knows it. I suffered from an eating disorder for several years as a teenager, and lived with the emotional scars for the years since. I spend a large amount of my time travelling round schools across the country telling classrooms full of girls that it doesn’t matter what they see in the mirror each day because God’s love is unchanging, and that He looks at them and sees nothing but sheer beauty because He’s pleased with His creation, yet I find myself questioning how much I really believe those truths. 

    As an ex-gym addict, I sometimes find myself mourning the body I once had, and yet the ironic thing is that at the time I never saw that body. In fact, what I saw in the mirror when I trained twice a day and was at the peak of my fitness was exactly the same as what I saw when I was 3st underweight, and the same as what I see on certain days now (though I’ve already been blessed with an incredible amount of healing). 

    I think as women we often live in that mindset of ‘If only…’! If only I looked like her… If only I hadn’t eaten that dessert… If only I had more hours to workout… Then I’d be happy with myself. But the truth – which I know from experience – is that even when all of those things are in place, they’re still not enough to make us happy. Why? Because only Jesus can satisfy us!

“You are precious in my sight, and honoured, and I love you.” Isaiah 43:4

    Jesus doesn’t put any ‘If only’ clauses on his love. He doesn’t ask me to change how I look or who I am to be worthy of Him. He wouldn’t love me more if I was thinner, or prettier, or taller, or wore more make-up, or ‘made more of an effort’. His love is already complete, abounding, steadfast and freely given! I’ve been struck heavily lately by the number of times in the Bible He tells me He delights in me. Never ‘would delight in me if…’, always ‘delights’! He delights in you right now, just as you are, because you are precious to Him, and He loves you.

“A woman of beauty knows in her quiet centre where God dwells that He finds her beautiful and deems her worthy and in Him she is enough.” Stasi Eldredge

    In the light of that love, I renew my promise to my future daughter that I will make every effort to nurture her in all her glorious femininity, to reassure her every day of how infinitely and perfectly she is loved, and to instil in her heart a firm knowledge of her beauty as a woman of God.

    And I will begin by choosing to believe that about myself. Today.

Choosing God over anorexia

    Can anorexia and faith coincide smoothly, or are they fundamentally incompatible? Having had experience of both, and having tried my hardest to reconcile them, there has never been a time when I have been able to fully embrace, or be led by, both.

    One of the key aspects to anorexia, which is present in almost every case, is the need for control. Frustration over the lack of control in other areas of life, such as school, work, sport etc – which lead to the feeling that life is running away with you and you can’t quite keep a grip on it – manifests itself in the attitude to food: the one thing which you can definitely control. And yet we are called to surrender all control over our life to the God who created us for His purpose. 
 

     ‘I am the Lord your God… you shall have no other gods before me.’ (Exodus 20:2-3; NIV). Scripture tells us not to worship false gods, because it means we are not truly trusting our true God to do what is best for us. Anorexia is a selfish, manipulative illness that demands your full attention. It creeps into every aspect of your being until it places itself at the forefront of daily life and elevates itself to become a false god. You worship ‘Ana’ – the voice in your head – not by choice, but out of fear of disobeying her. 

    Anorexia insists that it is your friend, and it knows what’s best for you. Yet inevitably ‘Ana’s plan’ differs significantly from God’s plan. In that sense, anorexia constantly challenges your faith. I don’t mean the faith that there is a God, I mean the deeper faith that He is the only one who can provide for us, the faith which leads us to truly hand over everything we are to Him: an act which is impossible when part of what we are has already been taken up by anorexia. 

     It seems ironic that I now write a blog specifically aimed at helping women in their walk with God when for me the years in which I should have been learning to be a woman were spent in the body of a child. When I first entered the hospital, word went around the other inpatients that "The new girl is 8!" – in fact I was 15. Whilst God was calling me out of childhood and into the plan He had set out for my life, anorexia was dragging me back down into an immature, helpless state. Rather than a child of God, I became an insecure, fearful child terrified of growing up. Coming to realise God's view of me has enabled me to discover my true identity as His daughter, and as a woman.

     When I was ill God saved me – medically speaking my heart should have given up long before I was admitted to hospital – but I couldn’t give back my life to Him. God never left me, I never lost faith that He existed, but at the centre of it all anorexia stood between us. God was always present for me, but anorexia prevented me from being completely present for Him. My recovery began when I made the decision to keep my eyes on Jesus no matter how hard anorexia tried to pull me back. 

     He doesn’t want us to suffer, anorexia does. The hardest decision of all is to give up your relationship with Ana, but the greatest reward of all is regaining your relationship with the God who loves you more than Ana ever could.

So, as far as I can tell:

Faith is life-giving. Anorexia sucks the life out of you.

Faith allows you to develop as a child of God. Anorexia ties you down and restricts your growth.

Faith calls you to freely sacrifice control. Anorexia steals it from you maliciously.

Faith offers the one true God who saves. Anorexia forces you to worship an idol who kills.

Faith reaffirms your identity in Christ. Anorexia tells you you’re worthless.

Faith gives freedom. Anorexia imprisons and isolates.

   

     But most of all, anorexia encompasses your whole being, leaving little or nothing remaining to give to God. When you give your whole self to God, there is no place for anxiety or depression. True healing comes from choosing to cling to faith in God through all the suffering, and allowing Him to lead you out of the trap you've found yourself caught in.

Being Understood

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you.” Jeremiah 1:5

    My god daughter is three years old, and absolutely loves getting presents. At a family gathering a couple of weeks ago she was presented, to her delight, with a big bag of Christmas presents from an auntie. She was told by one person that she could look in the bag, but without realising this someone else told her off for opening it herself. As she looked up at the multiple pairs of eyes now focused on her, I saw the sparkle disappear from her eyes and she cowered in towards my knees. 

    I knelt down to pick her up, and told her that it was OK – she hadn’t done anything wrong, and we’d open the presents together later. After lots of cuddles and an enticing promise of visiting the soft play area later in the afternoon, she was back to her usual bubbly self. It was adorable, but it was also painful to watch. She had been misunderstood, and it had hurt. 

    I realised that at times I could recognise the same little-girl spirit in myself. When I feel misunderstood, my natural reaction is to retreat, to shy away or grow quiet. I need the security of being known and understood in order to fully be myself.

    We all want to be understood, and to feel like we’re truly known. Feeling known is how we feel that we’re wanted and valued. A split second of missing out on that security of being known can trigger an insecurity which lasts far longer. But human nature is fallible: we can’t possibly understand each other all the time. Every single one of us will have moments of insensitivity or self-centredness which make us oblivious to the needs of those around us. That means that if we rely on other people to provide that security, we’ll constantly risk being let down or wounded.

“It’s easy to touch up your outward appearance, to look as if you have it all together. Your attempts to look good can fool most people. But I see straight through you, into the depths of your being. There is no place for pretence in your relationship with Me. Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood. Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy. Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths.” Sarah Young, ‘Jesus Calling’ (Jan. 14^th).

    With God we have no reason to fear the insecurity of being isolated or misunderstood. We are known intimately and completely. We don’t have to put on an act or pretend everything is OK. He knows every inch of our hearts, and His love and understanding are constant and reliable. If our first focus is seeking God rather than chasing after people, then security in our identity and worth is guaranteed. We are known and understood: “I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me” (John 10:14).