Claire works for a university chaplaincy and blogs anonymously at Claire Writes.
Let me preface this by saying I haven’t had such difficulty in writing
about a topic in a long time. I’m not sure what was/is going on. It finally
took me to take out a notebook and a pen and write “the old fashioned way’.
What has came out is slightly testimonial…
* * *
It is so easy as a Christian woman to
shrink into the shadows and accidentally make yourself insignificant. I know because that was me almost 7 years
ago.
Picture the scene - I’m 18 years old,
just started university and living with 10 strangers and secretly in love with
God. University is a one of a kind experience. You leave your own little bubble
and the comfort of home life and suddenly you’re thrusted into a world where
everyone, including yourself, is fighting to be seen and for their opinion to
be heard. I was not a confident 18 year old.
I had one friend in particular back
then who was incredibly overpowering and very self-righteous (in all the wrong
ways). I spent a year trying to fight the lifestyle her and my other friends
enjoyed, whilst not trying to come across as a ‘holy-joe’!. But I couldn’t take
it much longer and, by the grace of God, I made a bold move and I walked away
from the friendship. And it changed my life forever. I often look back on that
version of me, the version that allowed myself to be walked over, and I wonder
what would have become of me? Would I have respected myself as God truly wanted
me to? Would I even have a relationship with Him?? - I
think not!
So I had to partly remove myself from people of the world who
wouldn’t bring me closer to God. I sought out a place I could go where
people believed in God, lived their life for Him and weren’t afraid to be that
way. I won’t lie and say this was an easy option for me. I spent a year completely
broken, curled in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out. But the beauty of Christ
is that His Saving Blood builds us back up. He created in me a stronger,
God-loving heart and set me on the road to explore my true femininity, bestowed
upon me because of His goodness. His healing hands rested on my soul and began
a journey for me that is still continuing today.
In the early days I didn’t know what
it meant to be a woman of God, but I knew I wanted to be different to other girls. I began by throwing out all my
trousers and for the past six-ish years I have worn a dress every single day. I
just wanted to feel feminine. I’m not
saying that trousers are manly clothing, but I just needed to have this
“outward sign” that I was living my life differently to others, even if it
meant I was the only one who knew this.
So by finding a place on campus where
I could attend mass, go to adoration and hang out with people my age who were
waaaaaaaay more acquainted with God than I was, it allowed me to be comfortable
with the whole ‘God thing’ so I could actually get around to furthering my
relationship with him.
The past seven years have been bumpy
ones. As a woman of God I struggle and I fall just like everyone else. But I
have God on my side, which is out-of-this-world-amazing. I have had people
think I’m crazy; family members look at me like I have two heads because I post
scripture quotes on Facebook; I have been told by other Catholics that I’m not
a good enough Catholic; I’ve been broken and rebuilt; I’ve been tempted; I’ve
found love; I’ve lost love… but still through all of this God just showers me
with His mercy and compassion, and uses me to bring the Good News to others.
After seven years, do I know what a
woman of God is? Well I know what it is not - it’s not something that can be
pigeon-holed into one specific definition. Being a woman of God is a very
different role than that of a man’s, but also
very similar. We are designed to be nurturers, care-givers; we were created to
be creative; we are designed to live our lives like the women of the Bible -
Jesus’ female disciples and His Blessed Mother. Today’s culture tries to mock
us and lead us astray at every available opportunity, but we are much stronger
than that, and we gain our strength from Him.
Don’t let the shortcomings and
insecurities of the world make you lessen the woman God created you to be.
Over the years I have experienced
great difficulties with being a woman of God in this the 21st Century, but I
have learned that by placing myself in holy situations with people my own age I
gain confidence in my ability to be a woman of God. It is so important to me to
be completely open about who I am to anyone I meet.
Do not be afraid to be a
woman of God, do not be made to feel small, do not suppress the beautiful,
intelligent, Godly woman you were created to be!
“You are a
child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around
you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in
everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne
Williams
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